Tuesday, December 4, 2012

preggo post.

just a quick post to update "The Bump" and the pregnancy and where Jordan and I are currently.

  • the baby is doing great. he is low and he is 'big', so you can imagine how mama is walking these days :)
  • weight gain is at about 20 lbs. That's what it was last week, haven't weighed this week, but I didn't gain but one lb over Thanksgiving :) so for that I was grateful.
  • it is HOT in Texas still. we're in the high 70's as of today but we had a high of 86 on Monday and 81 yesterday. I was hoping to love being pregnant in the fall, but I'm pretty sure we're going to skip it altogether. waiting to wear all my cute maternity clothes still :)
  • we're in our birth class with several other couples. we're LOVING it. we were all cracking up last week because we were talking about breast-feeding and the guys were asking ALL the questions. so adorable. love hearing what's on their minds
  • I'm in the nesting phase. After our shower, we've been able to set a lot of baby Gray's stuff up, wash a lot of the clothes, use the gift cards to get the essentials and dreaming about the nursery that he will have come March/April
  • we are still in our one bedroom apartment. as soon as we can buy something, we're going to. We are going to start looking in January and can't wait to find our first house! Baby Gray will spend his first month or so in this apartment.
  • A lot of the symptoms of pregnancy have worn off, but have come with a new set of challenges. some of the nausea is back (very sporadic). but the back pain is probably the worst. seeing the chiropractor and some great homeopathics have given me lots of relief, but I feel most of the pain in my lower and middle back.
  • started the Braxton Hicks! is it weird I got excited with the first one? I didn't really know that's what it was and sometimes at the midwife appt, she says, "you're having a braxton-hicks," and I have no idea. I have them very rarely (to my knowledge), but because my stomach is literally SO TIGHT (he has no room and I did not have a tight stomach before this, so this is not a boost to my ego) I have a hard time judging the extra tightness with the BH. I know when the painful ones come that there will be no mistaking them :)
  • discomfort. walking, moving, sleeping, sitting, standing... pretty hard to get a comfy position with extra weight and an extra human attached to ya.

I am loving every minute. People keep asking me if I'm ready to be done or if it's been what I thought. Here's how I feel- as far as it being what I thought, I didn't really have any expectations since I wasn't ready or prepared to be pregnant, so it's all new to me. I text our midwife every week wondering if something is "normal," haha so I will be happy when we have our next one and I'm not such a newb! Yes, I am ready to be done. but not because I hate being pregnant, but just because I'm ready to meet my son! I know a lot of women pregnant right now... 3 of their babies have come this week and it's just Wednesday! and they're all boys! and a lot of friends due in the next month and some even before Christmas. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. I'm just ready to see him and hold him and love him. (not to mention, I'd love to be able to wear my jeans again, hehe). but I'd do the whole thing over again. just wish pregnancy wasn't a loooong 42 weeks. guess that's the Lord's way of teaching us patience with our kiddos before they even enter the world.

be encouraged, little mama's. (and hubbies).

the bump this past weekend.


Last summer, I packed all my clothes into my Honda Accord and my man flew in at met me in GA. We drove to TX and I officially moved there. I had my mom sell all my furniture for me and I was gone. I left my community, my familiarity, my home. Except at the time, it didn't feel like home anymore. Part of that was because Australia still felt like home. The other part of that was that I knew at that point that I was going to marry Jordan one day, and I knew wherever he was... that was going to be my home. He was my home.

I transferred my pre-Australia job to another location here in TX. That was an easy transition and for that I was so thankful. I began working full-time about 2 weeks after moving. Working kept me busy and it also kept any sort of emotions away that I was having. We also went back to Atlanta about a month after I moved for one of my best friend's wedding, so I hadn't been gone too long enough to really "miss" anyone yet. Plus, I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be one of those people who embraced change and who could stand strong in the midst of battles. That's usually who I was.

My heart was so happy to be with Jordan all the time. His parents opened their home to me and let me live there, rent free, for months. Enabled Jordan and I to save money for our future life together. In October, he proposed. at that point, that was the happiest day of my life. a promise of a future together. We would be a family. We would be married. I was elated and couldn't wait to share it with all the people I loved so much.

The hard part was that all those people were hundreds of miles away back in GA, one in NY, & a couple in FL. I thought when I moved that I could keep up with my friends every single week through phone, skype, text, etc. I thought we could all keep the strong bonds that we shared when I lived at home. In Australia, I talked to them all pretty regularly... but it was understood that because of the time difference, communicating was sometimes difficult and there was no pressure. Out here- I felt/feel like I have to keep up. to call. to text. to email. to make sure that I'm still "in the loop." because I fear losing my friends.

I have a wonderful life out here. I have a husband who I am absolutely in love with. A husband who I would spend every single second of every single day with and could be perfectly happy. a husband who loves me. A family, one out here, and one in GA, who I make my best efforts to keep in touch with regularly.

What I don't have in TX is community. friends. people to do life with. girl friends to laugh with, cry with, go on coffee dates with. I have a couple girls that I have hung out with, one in particular that I worked with whom I adore, and they are great. but I miss the depth of my friendships back in GA. I don't want to be blind to the fact that I could have those kinds of relationships here... but Jordan and I as a couple, we don't have community. Jordan has grown up here his entire life. his friends from elementary school, they are all still friends. They are incredible people & I love them dearly, and I love their precious girlfriends and wives. But I need more. I want friends that are OURS. people we can do life with together.

I feel the pressure to keep up with my friends every week. I know they feel it too. We are all going through so many different things. so many different seasons. We are all over the place- location & situation. One of the hardest parts of my pregnancy has been not having my girls close. With the exception of my wedding, it is the one thing I want to share with them the most. But it is hard to find the time to call. it's hard to find the "want" to hash out all the details of the last few weeks when all you really want is to sit curled up on a couch with them actually feeling the things they feel, for them to feel what I feel, for them to feel the baby kick... phone/email whatever... it just feels like a tease. so some days I don't want to. some days I avoid it. Because the missing them afterwards is worse once I know what's happening in their lives. The hole seems wider.

Jordan will always be what I call home. At the end of the day, I am content and if all I ever had was my husband and my son, that would be fine. But that is not how we're supposed to do life. We are meant to thrive in community. We are meant to share burdens, to share joys, to cry and rejoice and laugh and be ridiculous. We are meant to walk through life together.


I started this post back in October. I am still dealing with it, but differently. It's now Dec. 4th. So here's a follow up with how I feel now.

Jordan and I went back to GA for a week for Thanksgiving. Our weeks back are always such a blur because we are trying to see as many people as we can in a limited amount of time. It often ends up being a bit stressful (really for me) and we're usually exhausted by the end of the week.

I was a little nervous to go back this time. SUPER excited, but something just felt different. my mom and 2 of my besties threw me a baby shower & some of the ladies I hadn't seen since our wedding. I was so blessed and so honored by the shower & even more that the ladies whose lives I am no longer a part of on a regular basis made it and sacrificed their Sunday afternoon to be there. I tried to spend as much time talking to them as I could and it was really so good for my heart. But it made me miss community so much.

I really didn't get much time with my closest friends on this trip, which made me sad because we won't be back in GA until probably May. We were only in Atlanta for 3 days and in Savannah the rest of the days. It was great to spend time with my parents and my siblings, and then to be in Savannah with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

However, on the long drive back to TX, (YES. we drove- yikes!), I started to talk to Jordan about what I felt like was brewing in my heart. I long for community here... I know he does too. Every week, he asks me if I want to try a new church. Every week, I say no. Understand we have tried EIGHT churches out here since I moved. I was so spoiled by my amazing church in Atlanta, Grace Midtown, and selfishly want the same type of experience. Most churches we've visited are HUGE and when we've inquired about getting involved, at a couple that we actually revisited, we couldn't get straight answers and kind of got the run around. So, as far as the church scene in DFW, I'm honestly just over it. my attitude is horrible in terms of trying to meet people. I have been apathetic and negative, thus negatively affecting my desire for community AND my desire for closeness with the Lord.

What I really feel like the Lord has been showing me is to loosen the reigns on my friendships back in GA. There are some that will always be, no matter the distance in miles, the # of phone calls a week. There are some that will fall away, but that is okay. Sometimes we have friends for a season. It doesn't mean the love isn't there or that the friendship was not beautiful or didn't teach something. Just sometimes, that season comes to an end. Doesn't mean the friendship is over, though. But, I have felt Him encouraging me to do that. To not feel the "weight" of having so much I feel like I left behind and for not putting that weight on them either. I really think because I have held so tightly and been so down about being so far from my friends, I have really caused myself and Jordan some set backs when it's come to finding them here. I have not wanted to get to know people or share anything with anyone new... because I have so much invested in GA, and so much as been invested in me. but the time has come to let it go. To embrace new friendships, love the ones I already have, but not see them as the "be all end all." the time has come to start meeting new women, women who share the same seasons I am in, with husbands who are in the same as Jordan. to laugh, be encouraged, to encourage, to pray, to share burdens and joys, to experience deep, rooted community. I had to release myself and I had to release my friends. (friends if you're reading this, I released you haha).

It was been a little over a week since I talked about this with Jordan. Once we talked about it and I really spoke into words what I was feeling, things started to change. I suddenly had the desire to reach out, to step out and be uncomfortable. I started getting random women on my heart that I had met here to try and reconnect with. Most of whom are very different than me, which is a great thing! I started to read and write more, to desire more intimacy with the Lord again, to desire it with people. It opened up more doors of communication with my husband, and also allowed me to speak a lot of hurts I had been dealing with for a long time in regards to rejection of people and start to deal with that as well.

I don't know a lot, but I know that we weren't made to go through life alone. I really think the enemy was trying to stifle me out here. Usually outgoing, makes friends with everyone, hugs you probably 2 minutes after I meet you, became very distant, quiet, and standoffish. The creative, spiritual, and social aspects of my personality were most definitely stifled. my writing, my prayer life, my intimacy with the Lord, my outward personality towards others, was affected negatively. THIS. IS. NOT. ME.

I am thankful for Jesus who never gives up on this girl. for a husband who listens and encourages and betters me. for friends who have been through many seasons. for family, TX & GA. for a son that I can't wait to meet in just a couple months.

so be blessed friends. thanks for reading this.

NOW, for some pictures!!

Hayley, me, Carly at my shower

Holly, me, and Lark

Had to put this adorable pic of my hubby and niece :)

with my baby brother, JP.

mama & aunt lark :)

My Momma & Me

baby Gray's adopted auntie's at the shower

Maura Cate & JP.. melt my heart

my little sister, Isabella & me on Thanksgiving