one of those days...

I know I said I'd be writing about a birth plan and what not... but that post is still in the works. I want to make sure I am saying what I mean. I know birth options are very personal choices, so I am trying to write it so that my own personal views don't get in the way of what I'm trying to communicate. So that will be soon hopefully.

The last week or so, I have been in a funk. For the first time in my pregnancy, I have been super unhappy with what my body looks like, the way it's changing, & so on. One of the things, sometimes perks, of pregnancy is that your body is changing ALL THE TIME. Notice I didn't just say belly. your whole body. For instance:

• my hair. I chopped my hair off in my first trimester because it was SO thick from all the hormones raging through my body. also, you don't shed hair during pregnancy like you do when you're not pregnant. You just lose it all afterwards :) so my already super thick hair was getting thicker and thicker, I was too sick to worry about taking the hour that it spent to make it look good... so I thought- "why not chop it off?" I had short hair for YEARS. WORST. DECISION. OF. MY. PREGNANCY. Sure my hair now takes 15 minutes, which I am thankful for. what I didn't consider in my decision was that long or short, the thickness would still be there. I loved it for about a week & now I hate it. Thankfully my hair is growing at an alarming rate.. all thanks again to the hormones & the prenatal vitamins. 
• other "stuff." things that were already big... well, they just get bigger. and bigger. & continue to get bigger if you nurse. I will leave it at that ;)
• the belly. My little, round, basketball belly is one of my favorite things about being pregnant. I loved when I finally "popped" and strangers could tell that I wasn't a skinny girl with an enormous "gut" but there was actually a little babe in there. It really does make everything feel official once the belly pops & you start feeling those kicks and wiggles. however, as the belly gets bigger, things stop fitting. I have really tried not to buy too many maternity clothes since you only wear them for such a short time. But it's about time I start stocking up for winter because the belly is getting big. Also, bending over to put on jeans, take off boots, paint toe nails, etc.... it doesn't happen anymore.
• hips. Before being pregnant, this poor body had ZERO hips. my friends have always teased me about it. no hips. no butt. Well, pregnancy has changed that for sure. these hips don't lie. it's crazy the way the Lord designed a woman's body to change during pregnancy, but also how he prepares it ahead of time. My hips have widened to give the babe some extra space. however, this has resulted in lots of pain for mommy and some serious discomfort. but I'm glad he's comfy in there.
• hands/feet: this is a common one that I feel like when you're NOT pregnant, you always associate with pregnant ladies. swollen feet, not being able see them, etc. What I didn't know, was that my hands could hurt so bad. Ladies can get a temporary "carpal tunnel" if you will, in their hands during pregnancy. I have had this BAD. My sweet hubby is so great about rubbing my hands every night, as well as anything else that hurts. Feels like a constant writers cramp. no fun.
• Back/tailbone. Oh man oh man. I could write a novel on how much my back has hurt since I've been pregnant. even in the 1st trimester. I've been seeing a prenatal chiropractor since I was 7 weeks pregnant and I go EVERY WEEK. All the walking, lifting, etc I was doing at my job was a huge problem, so since I have stopped working, a lot of those issues have subsided. This also affected my knees, feet, etc. I've started getting prenatal massages as well and this helps to soothe a lot of the issues I've been having.
• and of course... the weight gain. I have actually had a little bit of an issue gaining weight during this pregnancy. I am supposed to gain 35 lbs because I'm naturally small... I'm about 13 lbs, maybe 15 lbs heavier on a good day. I have an appt tomorrow, so I'm hoping to have gained a couple lbs. but it's an uphill battle because while weight gain is great as far as nurturing a healthy environment for the baby, giving him enough protein, etc, keeping him in there longer.. it's hard when everything starts to swell and your face gets all the weight first. I have never weighed over 125 in my life. so seeing new numbers in the scale is a little hard. but as long as baby and midwife are happy, mommy is happy.
• this one might be TMI, but whatever. a baby is going to come out of my body soon. so I've lost what little filter I had already. also- depending on how your kid is sitting... it can affect a lot. our child has been head down for a long time. he has plenty of time to move and then get head down again, but I guess he likes where he is and is sitting super low and always on my bladder. I already had a small bladder, but now... it's almost guaranteed that I'm gonna pee every 5-10 min. then when he kicks me and he's on my bladder... well I literally feel like if I pee, he's gonna come out too. 

I don't say all this to complain... because this weekend I complained to my husband my fair share. (he's so gracious to listen to me!) I say this to pregnant mamas who have problems so they know they're not the only one & also so maybe others will have some grace for slow moving, sometimes cranky pregnant mamas. there's a lot going on in there!

Some days I do get really discouraged though. I feel frumpy. I don't feel pretty. I hate my hair. I want to drink a bottle of red wine. I don't want to watch my sugar. I get tired of defending my birthing/parenting choices to friends & family. I want the baby to hurry up and get here so I don't get any bigger. I want my clothes to fit. I want to go to a tanning bed. I want to be able to ride in the car without wanting to either vomit or feel like I need to lay down completely flat on my back because my hips and back hurt so badly from sitting up. and I think... "UGH. I HATE BEING PREGNANT." (aren't I dramatic?) I think about how little one on one time Jordan & I will have once the babe arrives. that part makes me sad sometimes. especially since I plan to breast-feed for as long as I can, it will be a time commitment to my little one, but also I have to think about the time commitment I have to my husband. I worry about the balance. I worry about the unsolicited advice from friends/family (I like to learn on my own & ask for help when I really need it). I worry about all the endless visitors that will be trickling through our apartment after baby is born. I worry about random people constantly touching my child and germs and the like. I worry about getting frustrated, feeling like I've failed, etc.

I think (I hope) all of that is really normal at some point. I know what mommies are already thinking, "wait until the END of the pregnancy." or, "just wait until the baby is here." I hear ya. I can't imagine. but I will get over it, just like I always do. my always patient husband will massage my back and shoulders (and feet, hehe), tell me how much he loves me, how beautiful he thinks I am and all will go back to normal. the Lord will affirm to me again this season to which He has called me. to from now on lay down my life for my child. to sacrifice my body. to sacrifice my time. to sacrifice the old normalcy I once had and to embrace a "new normal." to encourage me to go forward another week. At the end of the day, my kid is healthy. I am healthy. Hubby is happy. that is enough. My sister, Jennifer, told me one time that the Lord gives you grace for things when the proper time comes so that you'll be able to receive it. she is one of the most patient, loving, encouraging, fun, and sweetest moms that I know. so I will take her advice :)

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on a much more fun note... I went to my first Ole Miss football game this weekend. They played Arkansas & WE WON! For those unfamiliar with Ole Miss, they have had a rough past few seasons, but this year got a new coach. He was actually the high school coach from the story the movie "The Blindside" was based on. His name s Hugh Freeze and he has done such an unbelievable job coaching this team this year and from what I can tell, really encouraging his players. You watch him coach and he's not all angry and screaming at his players like most college football coaches, and he has really boosted the morale of the team and also I think for all of the fans. (I know the Gray household is extremely happy!)

so it was a huge win for Ole Miss, who has one of the toughest schedules in the SEC. If they win one more game, they will go to a bowl this year which hasn't happen in awhile. So I am excited for them. (my yellow jackets have disappointed me this year, but I still love them tremendously).

it was a great weekend with my man and also with his parents and younger brother. 

IT'S OFFICIALLY FALL IN TEXAS! (no big deal that it's just now the first time it's been in the 60's-70's)

this coming weekend we are heading out to Aggie Land for a wedding. November and December are huge traveling months for us. We've got weddings, holidays, baby showers, and the like. We are driving back home for Thanksgiving. so that's a good 12-13 hour drive. blah. ask me how much I am looking forward to that. BUT, a baby shower with all my girls and spending Thanksgiving with my family await us so I know on the drive back, my love tank is gonna be so full and it'll have to hold me over until the next time I see everyone. 

Thanks for reading. If I bore you, sorry. 

all my love.