Also to be honest- I've been a "victim" (I hate to use that word- so intense & a little dramatic in this case, but can't think of another word) of cyber bullying. I have had my pictures, my words, & some pretty slanderous things said about me on the internet over the years, all of which were 1. untrue & 2. vulgar, hurtful, and unnecessary. made me mistrust people and want to keep things to myself, because I never know who is reading this anymore.
saying all that, once baby Gray is born, I am going to post as much as I feel comfortable with posting. as his mom, I am supposed to protect him. plastering images about my boy and stories all over the internet for strangers just makes me a smidge uneasy. there are some crazies out there these days! there are also some things I will not put in PRINT in regards to me or this family. but if we are to have a nice cup of coffee somewhere, I'll be happy to share those things as well.
but living under a rock and not sharing your story is no way to be. vulnerability is where we all connect. it's where we see, "ah, okay. I'm not the only one." it's where we start to feel like we are not alone. in YWAM we used to talk about this all the time, when you open up, share your story, & be who you really are, you FREE others to do the same. how true is that? sharing your story allows other people to open up about their own, to experience real freedom, to share things they may have kept inside for entirely too long. it builds community. it opens doors for the Father's love to come in and heal all the broken places. most people, myself included, feel like if people knew who we really were, they wouldn't love us... we wouldn't be accepted. my husband has been my #1 encourager to just. be. me. he allows me to be Malloree. clumsy, sometimes outspoken, messy, overly realistic little old me. while still loving me and encouraging me to be better. how many people are afraid to share the deepest places of their hearts, to bare their souls, to love recklessly without the fear of shame or ridicule? I say it's time we stop all that. we stop keeping those dark places closed up and start opening up, loving others, and encouraging them to be who they are. that's a challenge for myself included.
SO. saying all that... let the challenge begin. here, I'll start.
Married life is by far the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced. so many people said how hard it would be after the first couple months, we're quite a bit past that, & you'd think that with a baby on the way so quickly that we would be mourning the loss of our "honeymoon" phase. I will be honest. When we first found out about our pregnancy, I was not excited, not happy, & not looking forward to what was to come. We had planned to try and wait at least a year & wanted to do all the things newlyweds do their first year of marriage. WELL. Things obviously didn't work out that way. I was overwhelmed with guilt and shame with the way I was feeling about my child. I found out very early on, as I have a very sensitive body & am ridiculously aware of any new change that happens. Jordan & I didn't really talk about it for a little bit. I don't know if we were hoping it was a false pregnancy or what... but neither of us could really come to terms with what was happening. and ya'll... I had PRAYED for a baby. prayed and prayed and prayed. before we even got married. but I had limitations on it- I wanted it when I wanted it. I wanted to have enough money saved, not be in a one bedroom apartment, to have gotten to travel with my husband for awhile and do all these fun things you're "supposed" to do when you get married.
but the Lord had other plans for us. different timing. It took me a few weeks to even come to terms with it. when we went to our 7 week appointment, we heard the heartbeat for the first time... it changed everything. no longer was the baby a little organism inside my body making me INCREDIBLY sick, no longer did I think of him as a baby... He was OUR baby. He was life. He was living, growing, and thriving in MY BODY. I was responsible for taking care of this little life. He was ours. He was Jordan's. He was mine. When you hear the heartbeat for the first time, there is a connection made. I can't explain it, but I knew then that I would do whatever it took to protect this baby. that I had a responsibility as his mother. the Lord had trusted us to be his parents. He had given our baby boy over to us, trusted us to take care of His child. He chose him for us & us for him. after that, Jordan & I both had a different outlook on this pregnancy and on our baby.
Our marriage has been strengthened in preparing for our son. While I will say, pregnancy has been an extremely wild, emotional ride, with morning sickness, indigestion, (I have had every single symptom in the book... no lie), being on bed rest for a week, having to leave work earlier than I expected, and a couple of complications along the way, it has been an amazing journey and I do love being pregnant. But I could have never done it without my husband. I credit a lot of the good parts of our marriage to our time in YWAM- where we truly got to know each other, better than I have ever known anyone in my life. so we have no secrets. there is nothing too dark or too deep to hide from. our communication is open & honest. sure, we have arguments from time to time, but very infrequently. but I think we fought more often when we were just dating! there is unwavering trust there. we really strive to honor and serve the other one. I fail a lot. Jordan does too. but we've got grace for each other. he has been such a support for me through this pregnancy- cooking dinner when the smells made me sick, coming to every single midwife & Dr. appointment, helping me do my pregnancy exercises, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry.. all when I was on bed rest. he talks to our son/my belly every day, and baby boy knows the sound of his daddy's voice. when Jordan talks to him, he starts kicking and moving A LOT. he has read and educated himself on "Husband Coached Childbirth" (which I recommend any new dad to read) and is prepared to assist me with our labor... as well as any parenting & fathering book he can get his hands on. He is ready to father his son. He is an unbelievable man. He is the most wonderful man I could've married. he is perfect for me & I for him. I could complain about a lot of things in my life sometimes, but I could not find a thing to complain about in my marriage. For that, I am thankful.
For all you realists, like myself most of the time, YES. I know there will be trials that come up. We've had to stand against a couple of them already. And it will be hard. But our marriage is rooted in both of our relationships with the Lord, as cheesy as that sounds, & I am not worried. I hope we are always this happy & this in love with each other. I would love to be the exception to the rule. No sense tearing your own or other marriages apart because you think it's SUPPOSED to be hard, you're SUPPOSED to have to work super hard... if you put in the same effort everyday, it's not work. it's love. it's serving your spouse because you love doing it, because you love them. not because you just have to.
being parents is going to be a new challenge for us. thankfully, we come from families who parented similar ways to the other. however, we are a new family & we are going to parent how we deem necessary for our child. it's going to be a learning process. Jordan asked me last night, "what do you think the first night will be like?" and I laughed and said, "we're going to shake our heads and wonder what the hell we've just gotten ourselves into."
I am nervous to be a mother. I am nervous to be a mother to a boy. but I have heard, boys love their mamas. I pray that's true. all I know is that I love this little guy. I've still got awhile to go but I am anxious to see his sweet face & see if he has his mama's eyes or his daddy's white blonde curly hair from when he was a babe. The doctor said he is a big baby. He is a healthy little guy and we are so blessed that he is ours.
here is the progression of the belly. PLEASE understand, I don't share my weeks because I'm not sharing my due date. this is because we are having a natural birth, with a midwife, at a birth center (which I will explain in a different post) and we will not be induced if our child doesn't come at 40 weeks (which is what your due date is based on). we have about 42.5 weeks for the babe to be born. and they can come anywhere from 36-42 weeks. not because I don't love you. first time moms usually go later. this was advice of my midwife & other moms who have used our birth center. I do not want a bunch of calls/texts/emails from 36-40 weeks, wondering if the baby is here yet, and also once we hit our due date, I do not want people freaking me out if he doesn't come by that specific day. each baby takes their own time :) PLUS- it is fun to only have family and friends in the loop of when baby Gray will get here- especially since for me, all my friends & fam are in GA & have not been able to be as involved in our pregnancy. so please respect our decision to do so as we would respect yours in terms of your own pregnancy
alright. that's all for now people. I'll be trying to update more this week about a birth plan... what it is, why it's helpful to have one, especially in the hospital, & what ours is.
We're heading to Little Rock, Arkansas this weekend to watch Ole Miss destroy the Razorbacks! Hotty Toddy!
all my love.
This is so beautiful, I love you.
ReplyDeleteI love your perspective/decision to have natural birth, and your story about finding out you were pregnant is so similar to how I felt. We wanted to wait a couple years, but of course I wouldn't change A THING. Having a son is exactly what I needed. God knew this. Yes, I get sad sometimes that Robert and I can't go out together very often (or ever), and we hardly have any alone time. We are far from family and friends being in Boston so grandma can't just take Archer for the evening. But I've become so much more confident, found a new depth in my relationships with God and my husband. It's amazing. You'll be an amazing mother too, I can tell just by reading your words here.
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